Finding the Beauty in My Own Bittersweet

I've felt trailed by a hazy, grey cloud for almost my total 30 years on Earth. The cloud isn’t raining, per se. Nor does it fully block the solar when it shines. It’s simply grey, misty-feeling, and protracted.

Merriam-Webster has two entries for the phrase “melancholy.” As a noun, it’s outlined as “a pensive temper” or “melancholy of spirits.” As an adjective, it’s “unhappiness or melancholy of thoughts and spirit.” To me, it’s bittersweetness. It’s a state of wistfulness characterised by a propensity for (typically somber) reflection. It’s not melancholy, neither is it the antithesis of pleasure; there will be elation and hope in my melancholy. It’s a bliss that encompasses two issues directly: the happiness tinged with unhappiness and vice versa. It’s much less an emotion and extra a character sort—one which’s extremely prone to rolling waves of heaviness, longing, and sentimentality. It’s a fancy, historical trait that has particularly plagued philosophers, painters, writers, musicians, and different artists for hundreds of years. 

The bittersweetness of my melancholy is woven into the very core of my being, my proclivity for contemplation creeping into each second, be it shrouded in pleasure, anger, contentment, or mere boredom. Even the meaningless moments really feel all too significant, overbearing even. 

Most lately, I teared up watching a sunfish dutifully guard its nest on the native lake, awed by how such a benign creature could possibly be so devoted to defending younger it did not even have but. I am typically moved to tears by nature, nostalgia, and issues that are not essentially comfortable however aren't essentially unhappy, both. And but, I am drawn to them. The complexities of life pull me in like a moth to a tragic, blue flame.

Attempting to attach with others about experiencing life this manner, even shut family and friends members, has solely left me feeling misunderstood and remoted. I used to be dubbed “overly delicate” and “too emotional” earlier than I even knew what the phrases meant. And as an grownup, these are labels I’ve simply come to consider about myself; I discovered to chalk up my melancholy to a pure shortcoming, however part of my id nonetheless. 

It’s why I really feel like I am all the time the final to be told of dangerous information in my household's recreation of phone—nobody desires to interrupt the information to me. It’s additionally why I really feel like my household views my youthful sister because the problem-solver, the rational one—whereas they see me as weaker, with my soul extra cracked and fragile. Even throughout my most joyous celebrations—birthdays, graduations, promotions, and different private milestones—my father will remind me, “It's essential benefit from the second.”

How can I clarify to him that I am having fun with the second—eager for it even—conscious about the sweetness and significance of it by its very passing?

It wasn't till I learn creator and speaker Susan Cain's 2022 ebook, Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Entire, that I felt really seen and understood. A melancholic manifesto of types, the ebook explores sides of the bittersweet, melancholic disposition: what it means to be “bittersweet,” the psychology behind such wistfulness, and why a few of us are drawn to, and truly discover pleasure in, the somber issues in life.   

Cain combines intensive journalistic analysis along with her personal penchant for poignancy, citing her love of Leonard Cohen’s haunting “funeral music” (a butt of jokes amongst her colleagues) because the catalyst for exploring why she is “melancholic by nature.” Studying it confirmed that, like Cain, I'm a bittersweet gal: I like listening to music that makes me really feel unhappy. I discover solace and inspiration within the gloomiest days. Everlasting Sunshine of the Spotless Thoughts is my go-to, on-in-the-background film. There's even a quiz Cain created at the side of the ebook that charges your bittersweetness, and my rating of 9.2 out of 10 licensed me as a “connoisseur” for contemplation. However maybe most notably, after studying the ebook, I lastly noticed my bittersweetness—my lifelong melancholy —portrayed as a optimistic.

A brand new objective and which means for my melancholy

All through Bittersweet, Cain asserts that mainstream tradition has lengthy written off the melancholy temperament as a flaw fairly than acknowledging its energy, citing analysis indicating that these like me—individuals who search deeper which means, lengthy for the previous and current, and really feel life extra intensely—might also dwell extra grateful, fulfilling lives. She breaks out the advantages of being melancholy or bittersweet into three primary buckets (creativity, connection, and transcendence) and argues that every makes the disposition not a shortcoming, however a superpower to behold. 

“I've concluded that bittersweetness just isn't, as we are likely to assume, only a momentary feeling or occasion. It’s additionally a quiet pressure, a means of being, a storied custom—as dramatically neglected as it's brimming with human potential,” Cain writes. “It’s an genuine and elevating response to the issue of being alive in a deeply flawed but stubbornly lovely world.”

Her phrases confirmed me that my somber temperament isn’t an Achilles’ heel, however a Herculean power—as each an individual and a author. “Loads of one of the best artists have had this streak of melancholy that feeds them as a result of they're a lot extra delicate and receptive to all the layers of the world round them,” says medical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD. “When you be taught to handle it fairly than be overwhelmed by it… it may be honed and crafted into an actual profit.”

My very own longing has all the time pushed me to contemplate my emotions, my connections, and my legacy extra deeply, with an in depth eye by myself mortality. The niggling ache that life is fleeting and that nothing is assured fuels what Cain calls the “inventive providing,” which in my case, is writing. 

The trick to avoiding the pitfall of the “tortured artist” trope, although, is to not languish. “After we discover ourselves getting darkish and caught, we actually simply wish to attempt to let the sensation go via us,” says Dr. Manly. “Irrespective of our character sort, we wish to be taught to be in [our feelings], after which allow them to transfer via… That’s how we keep away from taking place a rabbit gap [toward] unhappiness or melancholy.” Nonetheless, there’s magnificence within the moments of stuckness, too—the bouts of loneliness or hopelessness that encourage me to maintain writing and creating, if solely to keep away from getting caught once more.

One other poignant takeaway from Cain’s ebook positions melancholy as a pressure for empathy. “If we might honor unhappiness slightly extra, perhaps we might see it—fairly than enforced smiles and righteous outrage—because the bridge we have to join with one another,” Cain writes. “We might do not forget that irrespective of how distasteful we'd discover somebody’s opinions, irrespective of how radiant, or fierce, somebody might seem, they've suffered, or they may.” 

I’ve all the time felt extremely attuned to different folks's feelings, however Harvard fellow and neuropsychologist Julia DiGangi, PhD, provides that this sensitivity can go each methods. Embracing my true emotions—bittersweet or in any other case—will be “emotionally magnetic” to these in my orbit. 

“What many people need is a significant reference to different folks,” says DiGangi. “After we are keen to authentically like what’s lovely about ourselves, we give folks permission to love what’s authentically lovely about themselves. And once we say, ‘Hey, it’s okay to really feel [a negative feeling]—I really feel this manner, too,’ it looks like this big, empowering exhale.

The drawbacks of making an attempt to boring my melancholy

Acknowledging and accepting all of your emotions on this means (particularly the melancholic ones) additionally comes with a completely underrated set of non-public advantages, as described in Dr. Digangi’s upcoming ebook, Vitality Rising: The Neuroscience of Main With Emotional Energy

Whereas the favored discourse would possibly place “having a whole lot of emotions” as a deficit to productiveness or potential, the thesis of Dr. DiGangi’s new ebook posits simply the other: that once we lean into our true emotions (which she says come from precise neurological impulses fired in our brains) fairly than combating them, we unleash the strongest, smartest variations of ourselves—or what Dr. DiGangi calls our “emotional energy.” Attempting to disclaim these items of ourselves, against this, solely results in “emotional constipation,” she says: Our emotions get all constructed up with nowhere to go, left to fester within the type of stress, uncertainty, and defeat.

It’s solely in embracing all of the elements of you—the nice elements, the appropriate elements, the gorgeous elements, the bizarre elements, the complicated elements, and, sure, the melancholy elements—that you could faucet into your emotional energy, says Dr. DiGangi. And that explains why I’ve all the time felt, deep down, that I couldn’t simply flip off my melancholy. I’ve realized that it’s a key a part of who I'm, and to attempt to suppress it's way more draining than letting it course via me. “If we're not permitting ourselves to enter our core feelings, we're simply denying ourselves our presents,” says Dr. Manly. 

Because it seems, reclaiming my melancholy as a wellspring for my creativity and empathy and a catalyst to do the issues that fulfill me is far more empowering (and, fairly frankly, much less exhausting) than making an attempt to bury it in stoicism. I really feel issues so deeply! And now I do know that, for me, that’s an excellent factor that shrouds the misty cloud that follows me in silver linings. Whereas the cloud generally shadows me, I’ll proceed to lean into the comfortable and the unhappy—or as Cain so eloquently places it, the sunshine and the darkish, the bitter and the candy. And I don’t owe anybody an evidence—a lot much less a justification—for my big, tender coronary heart.


Properly+Good articles reference scientific, dependable, current, sturdy research to again up the knowledge we share. You possibly can belief us alongside your wellness journey.

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  2. Zimmerman, Francis. The Historical past of Melancholy. 1 Jan. 1995,–history-of-melancholy/
  3. Cain, Susan. Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Entire. First version. New York, Crown, 2022.
  4. Akinola, Modupe, and Wendy Berry Mendes. “The darkish aspect of creativity: organic vulnerability and unfavorable feelings result in better creative creativity.” Character & social psychology bulletin vol. 34,12 (2008): 1677-86. doi:10.1177/0146167208323933
  5. Cao, Yuan, et al. “Low Temper Results in Elevated Empathic Misery at Seeing Others’ Ache.” Frontiers in Psychology, vol. 8, Frontiers Media, Nov. 2017,
  6. Yaden, David B., et al. “The Styles of Self-Transcendent Expertise.” Overview of Basic Psychology, vol. 21, no. 2, American Psychological Affiliation, June 2017, pp. 143–60.
  7. DiGangi, Julia. Vitality Rising: The Neuroscience of Main With Emotional Energy. First version. Brighton, MA., Harvard Enterprise Overview, 2023.

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